If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
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ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
buys donuts instead
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”