Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
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It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
the saddest jazz hands ever
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.