Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
You Might Also Like
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration