My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
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Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
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Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace