Day 4. They suspect nothing.
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I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Happy weekend !
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked