My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
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I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
i- i did not expect this
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.