If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
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me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
I put the mess in domestic.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.