Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
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It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Yup.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
I’d hang this in my house.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
He a real one for that