19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
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My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
⚠️ Important Reminder:
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t