stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
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God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
fired
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.