I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
You Might Also Like
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here