I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
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Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Why am I like this?
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.