“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
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Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist