If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
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Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
HELP 😭
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*