BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
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Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Hot hot hot 🥵
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast