Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
You Might Also Like
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
water it, i dare you
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you