My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
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Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.