My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
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I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever