My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
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“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.