*updates tinder bio*
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Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Wikigenius
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked