4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
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Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones