I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
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#inspiration #foodforthought
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
dam girl
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.