I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
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Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox