The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
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Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.