Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
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The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Pickled cat.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.