Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
You Might Also Like
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o