Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
You Might Also Like
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.