I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
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Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.