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Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
this is the best day of my life
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.