God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
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wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too