(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
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Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Chemical wingman
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet