a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
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Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
found my next D&D character name
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Mornin
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.