Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
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Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.