in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
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[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
*seductively peels off lederhosen
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.