accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
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Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
it must be school picture day
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.