What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
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I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
wishing you and yours all the best
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
i now pronounce you bounced.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?