Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
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slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.