This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
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Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?