*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
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Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Do not go gentle into that good night,