That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
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I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”