I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
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*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?