Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
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[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
no one likes gloating
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
I see your IQ test came back negative
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Just a reminder, folks:
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.