a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
You Might Also Like
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…