I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
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“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
bugs when you lift up a rock
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour