how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
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The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Got him!
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
From my Mom
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.