I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
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Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Pizza is an emotion right?
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow