“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
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Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Air conditioning – not a fan
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis