If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
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*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.