Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
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No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up