Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
You Might Also Like
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company